


the HAWT Tom/Tord saga

by BillieBunnie, NoodlyBoo22



Category: Eddsworld - All Media Types
Genre: Bad Puns, Edd and Matt only make appearances, Intentionally Bad Spelling & Grammar, M/M, Not Really Character Death, We tried, but sexily, cursing, like it will kill you if you read it, like staring at the sun, misuse of cursing, not really tho, super hawt, that hawt, uhh sexual situations i guess, writing is my passion
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-12
Updated: 2017-01-11
Packaged: 2018-09-16 23:11:41
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,063
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9293837
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BillieBunnie/pseuds/BillieBunnie, https://archiveofourown.org/users/NoodlyBoo22/pseuds/NoodlyBoo22
Summary: A while back, my delightful friend and i had a competition to see who could write the worst/best Eddsworld fics in under an hour, this is the result. Mine ended up being longer, but i like hers better idk. The matching pairings we used was actually accidental. This is the first time I've posted anything (here and in this fandom), so I'm making an impression *shrug*This first one's mine. lmao enjoy





	1. Kinkshamed by the Universe (AKA The Fuckle)

Tord stood in his room watching Tom on one of his many hidden cameras. Tom was laying flat on his bed in his room, drinking. As tord watched, tom brought his Smirnoff bottle up and poured the drink directly into his open eyesocket. Without any real logic behind it, the liquid drained away into the black. Tord watched, transfixed, as he had been for the last five hours.

"fuck, that's hot" tord said, finally giving in to his lust and practically teleporting to the living room.

Tom noticed him after a minute, bolting upright. "Out of my room, tord!" Tom screamed, mostly alarmed by the fact that he didn't seem to be wearing clothes anymore

"Shhhhh bby" tord insisted, and for some goddamn reason, Tom did.

"Why are you here??"

"I was watching you."

Tom looked up at the very obvious camera in the corner of the room, barely covered by a coat. 

Obviously drunk, Tom laughed. "lol you creep. What the fuck do you want?"

Tord closed the space between them. "I want you badly"

Tom hit him, but tord caught his hand and pinned him as easily as a girl in one of his animes.   
"bby, pls, I need you. you're so beautiful, like Jesus."

"no, dats gay!"

"come on, sweet corn baby back ribs, just the tip."

"S-s-shut up." Tom stuttered, already head over heels in love with tord and his smooth talking.

Suddenly, Tord's clothes incinerated, leaving him naked. Tom wanted to ask why that happened, but he met Tord's eyes and fell apart like the uke he was. They kissed and it was hot, not just because Tord's hair seemed to still be smoking, but also because of love or whatever. Tord had one hand on toms back, and two hands holding Tom's wrists.

"Why the fuck do you have three hands?" Tom asked, but tord kissed him again, and Tom shivered. He was also naked. No clue when that happened. 

"Shhhhh, vodka baby, I grew more hands so I could touch you more."

Tom's heart throbbed, overwhelmed by Tord's romantic action. "Oh, Tord!"

They made out passionately, Tord's many hands grabbing everywhere he could touch. Tom sweetly shoved the Smirnoff bottle up into his eyesocket. The entire bottle disappeared into the black hole.

"Fuck, that's so fucking sexy, can you make my dick disappear???"

Tom tried to push him away, but he was stereotypically weakened by the making out.   
"no Tord, you'll die!! Many men have died trying to put their dicks in my eyes!"

"but bby I love you."

And Tom started crying because the words were beautiful, but he wasn't really lying about the dying.   
"no karl marx, I don't want you to die!"

But tord shoved him down with his now five hands. Tom punched him and tord started crying.   
"don't you love me??"

Tom sniffed, because he didn't have any choice, "I do! But you can't fuck my eyes!!"

"i'm going to do it anyway" tord sang with random Norwegian noises. Tom struggled, but his weakness returned. Just as tord got over him, holding him down with his seven arms, the door burst open. Edd ran in. 

"Tom you drunk bitch, why are you making sex noises at 3 in the afternoon?!"

Tord paused, positioning himself. "Edd, we're having sex at 3 in the afternoon."

Edd suddenly grew cat ears, that twitched in confusion, or should I say, con-fur-sion. Then his eyes shot wide as he saw that both Tom and tord were naked and in a sec pose. Edd then seemed to get even more panicked.

"Tord, don't! You'll fucking die if you put your dick in there!"

"lol" tord announced, and shoved in anyway. Instantly, he popped out of existence, never to be seen again. Tom cried and Edd held him.

“I hate being kinkshamed by the universe." Tom sobbed, and Edd picked up a piece of Tord's hair from tom's shoulder and put it into his mouth.

"Rest in piece, communist daddy." Edd whispered dramatically and dabbed in Tord's memory.


	2. Morning After (AKA The Dickle)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is the other half of our competition i mentioned. Technically, the stories aren't really related but they can be read that way. 
> 
> This part was written by NoodlyBoo22 ("i was pretty tired when i wrote it"). the ramblings of that sleep-deprived sonofabitch deserve a Pulitzer tbh
> 
> anyway enjoy

Tom woke up and he was.... nakey. He look over, and there LIKE A PRISTINE GOD FROM THE HEAVENS ABOVE was the most beautiful body he had ever seen. It flawless, it on fleek, it was a mirror. Hot damn. Tom winked at himself, feeling a bit like Matt(super gay) and then he remembered checking himself out was kinda gay. So he whispered "no homo" to himself before getting out of bed.

But first he saw TORTA TORD. who was also nakey. Tom whispered "no homo" ever so gently into his ear, licking it. No, not sexy licking, like "dog that hasn't seen you for three weeks licking. OHHHHHHHHH YEAHHHHHH.

torta woke up and looked into Tom's holes. he then whipped back the blanket, and seductively screamed, "BITCHES DONT KNOW BOUT MY GUN DICK" which was true. Tom was hyperventilating looking at the hand protruding from where his peeno should be. but TWAS NOT JUST A HAND, it was a HAND HOLDING A GUN. but Tom was hunger, so he pushed torta onto the floorta. Torda did no care, he just got up and stared at Tom, gyrating. 

Tom walked to the kitchen and using his RIPPLING MASCULINITY tore off the freezer door. 

"well, time to get hammered" he said, as it was already 9am, and he was behind on his boozin. As he smashed the neck of the vodka bottle on the counter and started to chug, while still naked, tort (still naked) was slowly gyrating his way into the kitchen, standing on the table.

Tom, almost sufficiently shitfaced, grabbed tortd, and slammed him on the table, sexily breaking it.

Edd came into the kitchen, seeing this HAWT ACTION and his head immediately exploded. It was 10/10, as Tom and torta were makking out on the table pieces, and Tord's gun dick was shooting everything. Then Matt walked in, and started screaming because even the nakey was 2 GAY 4 HIM. he had to avert his eyes to his mirror and his BOOTYFUL reflection. then he was shot by Tord's gun dick.   
"mmmmmmm watcha sayyyy"

Tom picked up tort and took him to the living room, and decided he was done with this, and threw tora outside forever, to sadly gyrate in front of the house, gun dick still shooting, but sad now. and it was raining.


End file.
